Keep "Right"

My old hometown of Colorado Springs, where the right lane tends to be the quickest, is taking a lesson from the Deutsch Autobahn and ticketing drivers who use the left lane for anything but passing.

A six-month-old law says the left lane is to be used only for passing on any of Colorado's multilane highways where the speed limit is 65 mph or faster. Lawmakers passed the bill, hoping to prevent traffic congestion and cut down on road rage.

"When I learned to drive, they told me, 'The left lane is for passing. The right lane is for driving,"' State Patrol Trooper Sara Shipley said recently.

Shipley said some of the drivers she's stopped have admitted they were deliberately driving under the speed limit in the left lane in an effort to prevent others from speeding.

"They don't need to be playing police," Shipley said. "That's not their job." Worse, slow drivers in the left lane can cause tailgating and road rage.

Of course the only place worse to drive than Colorado Springs is Seattle, where as a few as 4 cars can create a traffic jam on I-5 by spreading out over the highway. I'm glad to see that Europe is finally exporting something to the U.S. other than German charm and French hygiene.

The Third Strike is a Charm

Kentucky is considering disposing of the Three Strikes Law... because it puts too many criminals in prison.

Uh, am I missing something here?

Christmas Greetings...

...From Ann Coulter

To The People Of Islam: Just think: If we'd invaded your countries, killed your leaders and converted you to Christianity YOU'D ALL BE OPENING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS RIGHT ABOUT NOW!

Separation of Church and Idiocy

A New Hampshire middle school student was kicked out of a dance by the school's principal... for wearing a Santa Claus costume.

“It was a holiday party,” Principal Fred Muscara said. “It was not a Christmas party. There is a separation of church and state. We have a lot of students that go to Hampton Academy Junior High that have different religions. We have to be sensitive to that.”

And in feable effort to cover their collective hind quarters, Superintendent James Gaylord concocted the explanation that the boy was banned because he violated the dress code for last Friday’s event, which was supposed to be a “dress-up dance.”

“I don’t want this to happen again,” said [the student's mother]. “It is unacceptable. When Bryan returned to the school, the principal said, ‘What are you doing, trying to get me fired?’”

That would be a good start. And don't get me going on that despicable Easter Bunny, who as we know, was crucified and rose from the dead in order to hide eggs every Spring.

“L” is for Loser

New York announces the winner of it’s 31 electoral votes, and it’s… uh, you know, that tall goofy looking guy with the annoying wife.

New York’s 31 electors certify the state's electoral votes for John L. Kerry.

The Associated Press reminds us, “Massachusetts Senator John F. Kerry carried New York as the Democratic nominee for president, but lost the nationwide election to President Bush.”

Gee, thanks for clearing that up. Now I can go back under that rock.

UPDATE: Keeping with the Leave No Democrat Behind theme, Minnesota casts one electoral vote for John Ewards.

Students Challenge School’s Religious Restrictions, School Administrators Remain Imbeciles

When the senior class at a California high school was told it could not paint a Nativity scene on a window, they called their administration’s obtuse left-wing ideology to task… and won.

Senior class president Becky James and her classmates designed a simple Nativity set painting for a small window at the entrance of the school. However, the design was not approved.

Student body President and future Republican Jessica Hofer, apparently tired of being force fed liberal compost every day, provided the school’s principal a copy of a 1989 Supreme Court ruling that allows student initiated free expression of religion at school

"I thought that the ruling of no Nativity set was unfair, especially when one class had 'Happy Kwanzaa' approved and another class a Menorah," Hofer said. "To say you can't have a Christian symbol at Christmas but allow other religious symbols is discrimination."

"Our First Amendment rights give us freedom of religion, not freedom from religion," she continued. "Our nation was founded on Christian values and the Ten Commandments are the basis for our law, I think our schools and society misunderstand the First Amendment. The separation of church and state is not mentioned by our founding fathers but we hear it repeated so many times that people begin to believe it."

Hofer said the ACLU has done a good job of changing America's view with law suits. "They have made things illegal that should not be illegal," she said.

Be still my beating heart. She’s the daughter I never had.

Old vs. New in the DNC

Someone in the US’s “opposition” party finally has a clue.

Two young Democrats vying for support among state party leaders describe the party's old guard as stodgy, out of touch and nostalgic... They also complain that party veterans talk down to candidates and grassroots activists.

These young Democrats say the party must break shopworn habits and tactics peddled every election by the same old clan of consultants who rely on the Vietnam War, feminism and civil rights to define their values.

Like you know, be more like Republicans.

Babs Shares Delusions with Her Fans

For those of you who have never had the pleasure, Barbara Streisand’s website (what, I stumbled across it when I was looking for porn) offers advice and consolation to the discerning liberal. Of course, this begs the question: Exactly who is seeking solace in Babs as their political beacon? Probably the same people who still think Chevy Chase is funny. Below are just a few smatterings of her keen insight.

The Media:
“Frankly, the idea that the media is sympathetic to conservative causes rather than liberal ones is obvious.”

“Dan Rather was castigated by the media for airing the Bush National Guard story before completely verifying one document.” And her supporting argument for their authenticity, “The LA times also reported the story.”

“Where these [Conservative] news outlets feel free to proudly proclaim their "conservative bias" by sharing their unwanted opinions, prestigious TV network anchors like Walter Cronkite, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, Bill Moyers and Jim Lehrer carefully tow-the-line to present the news in a balanced manner.”

“CBS's story included substantive and uncontested evidence that Bush didn't show up for duty when he was supposed to.”

General Hallucinations:
“Everything good that has happened in this country is founded on the ideology of liberalism.”

“Contrary to Republican slogans against "Big Government" or "Tax and Spend Liberals," if you look at the reality, government spending is a key part of what makes this country function and provides the services that Americans both depend on and take for granted.”

Malaise and Confusion:
“I am flabbergasted by the American public's continued support for Bush.”

“I stand here flabbergasted at what is going on in today's world.”

“I am completely flabbergasted and bewildered that when the public is polled regarding which candidate they trust to deal with terrorism, they choose George W. Bush.”

“I am perplexed by the American public's continued support and willingness to give Bush high marks on the question of national security.”

Maniacal Rants:
“A little patience, and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their spells dissolve, and the people, recovering their true sight, restore their government to its true principles.”

Another Reason to Love the 2nd Amendment

A good example of what happens when liberalism meets unadulterated conservatism.

Leonel Arias, 47, told police he was playing a practical joke by donning a Bin Laden mask, toting his pellet rifle and jumping out to scare drivers on a narrow street in his hometown, Carrizal de Alajuela, Costa Rica.

Arias had startled several drivers that way on Monday afternoon. But when he jumped out in front of taxi driver Juan Pablo Sandoval, the motorist reached for a gun and shot him twice in the stomach. He was hospitalized in stable condition.

For the record, the Burque Boy does not condone the shooting of anyone, with the exception of real terrorists, wounded horses and trial lawyers.

The First Amendment is for Sissies

Sticking with this year's theme of "Liberal Nut Jobs", a constitutionally oblivious Democratic city councilman in Lancaster, Penn. ordered a baker in the city's farmers market to remove a photo of the President. His reasoning: It offended Democrats.

Call me softhearted, but I agree with this poor politico's scrape. Isn't it enough that they've lost two Presidential elections, continue to lose seats in the House and Senate, suffer serious emotional trauma, and now Conservatives are just rubbing it in.

I for one am not going to stand for it! That's why I am starting a support group for these poor blokes. It shall be called Election Anxiety Trauma - Movement of Empathizers, or simply EAT-ME for short. Who's with me?!

More Election Zaniness

Although the US can barely run its own elections, soon to be jobless Viktor Yanuk… Yanu… Ya-not-gonna-work-here-anymore seems to think that they somehow managed to find time to meddle in his. Well, you’re probably right dude, but nobody likes a sore loser.

Meanwhile in Ohio: I just caught Neal Conan on NPR stating that a Bill Moss filed a lawsuit today to stop Ohio’s certification of it’s electoral votes for Bush… and award them Kerry in the basis of election regularities, leaving Democrats to hope that they somehow have a better strategy in 2008.

The Voters of Madison County

Finally, the news every liberal has been waiting for – Someone has actually been arrested and charged with election fraud… Oh wait. It’s a Democrat. Blahahahahaha!

Left Wing Media "Outs" the Right

Good news for freethinkers everywhere – Liberal mouthpiece Bill Moyers is retiring, but wants to make sure to warn us about that irritating Conservative press the media keeps telling us about. For the record, Billy boy served under Kennedy and was a “special assistant” to LBJ. So Moyie likening himself to any inkling of independent bipartisanship is much like Michael Moore claiming he doesn’t Super Size.

"I'm going out telling the story that I think is the biggest story of our time: how the right-wing media has become a partisan propaganda arm of the Republican National Committee," says Bill Moyers. [Ed note: Right-wing media... Right. They live up in the North Pole and hide eggs on Easter.]

"We have an ideological press that's interested in the election of Republicans, and a mainstream [read "liberal"] press that's interested in the bottom line [i.e., like electing liberals"]. Therefore, we don't have a vigilant, independent press whose interest is the American people. [Holy smokes he got one thing right. That´s been happening for decades. But it sounds like someone is a little narked that they no longer have a monopoly on such things.]

"I'd be doing this if the Democrats were in power. It's not that I'm a liberal, it really isn't. [Translation: Actually, it is because I am a liberal, but I’m hoping that you’re too young to remember that I used to be the Democrat’s version of Karl Rove.] It's the fact that I'm doing journalism that isn't determined by the establishment." [Old mainstream media strategy: Never admit you are a liberal. New mainstream media strategy: Admit you are a liberal, but deny that it reflects in your perverted social views.]

And to think he said that with a straight face. Move to Canada or get some counseling. It´s liberal chic.

Air Force Academy at Fault for Sex Scandal

A Petagon inspector general says a the Air Force Academy failed to recognize and deal with reports of sexual assaults against female cadets on campus.

"We conclude that the overall root cause of the sexual assault problems at the Academy was the 'failure of successive chains of command over the past 10 years to acknowledge the severity of the problem,'" Inspector General Joseph E. Schmitz wrote in a Dec. 3 memo to Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld, quoting his own report.

In related news, the Empire State Building was blamed for Rosie O and Boy George's musical enema Taboo.

How Low Can You Go?

An annual Gallup poll indicates that newspaper reporters score poorly in “honesty and ethical standards”, as judged by the American public. Apparently, they rank just above lawyers, and right below elected officials and, get this, nursing home operators. Way to go guys, keep up the crappy work. At this rate you’ll be right down there with baseball commissioners and Miss Cleo.

Another Reason MSM Bites

CNN and terrorists duped by Pentagon. Thankfully, CNN was able to clear up the misinformation quickly and let our enemies in on the little secret. Anybody else glad these guys weren’t around on D-Day? Jawohl!

Hand Pulls Groin

Oh, sorry… I thought this was an article on Michael Jackson.

Defining quote:

Hand hopes his sore groin won't keep him from playing the 'Skins next Sunday.

Death by Pop Culture

A dead guy in a trailer, boiling a lava lamp… with no drugs or alcohol involved. Something sure does smell fishy.

Remember kids: guns don't kill people. Stupidity does.

Count (Almost) Every Vote

You see people, this is the problem with hand recounts. Subjectivity.

Some hillbilly writes that the hand recount of votes in the Montana state house district 12 (Polson, in Lake County) has resulted in a tie. The Constitutional party candidate, Rick Jore, received 1,559 votes while the Democratic candidate, Jeanne Windham received exactly the same. The Republican candidate finished a distant third. Jore had won the house district initially by just 2 votes, giving the Republicans a 50-49-1 majority in the state house.

What happens next promises to be very strange. In a tie, (if I understand it correctly from unclear news reports) the governor will get to appoint the representative for that house district. But the governor is still Judy Martz, a republican, until 10AM January 3rd, 2005.

The democratic candidate Jeanne Windham has protested 5 ballots counted for Jore, which appear to be double marked, and has insisted that they be thrown out, giving her a 5 vote victory. Windham has filed suit to prevent Secretary of State Bob Brown (R), the losing gubernatorial candidate, from certifying the election until a court can examine the disputed ballots. The recount committee was composed of two republicans and one democrat.

So how does that catchy little slogan go? Count every vote… unless of course you don’t get a win, and then throw enough out until you do.

Mr. Rather, Your (Pink) Slip is Showing

Professor Jay Rosen of NYU has amalgamated a cornucopia of news clippings supporting the notion that John Kerry is only the 2nd biggest loser in the election. The first? A few smatterings:

Weekly Standard's Stephen Hayes writes, “For some 16 months, then, journalists at the New York Times and the Washington Post and the television networks saw themselves not as conveyors of facts but as truth-squadders, toiling away on the gray margins of political debate to elucidate the many misstatements, exaggerations, and outright lies of the Bush administration and its campaign affiliates.”

“We've watched in slack-jawed amazement over recent weeks as the big media, fearful of another four years for President Bush, have basically become an unpaid adjunct to the Kerry campaign”, states an Investor’s Daily editorial.

According to Peggy Noonan, “Every time the big networks and big broadsheet national newspapers tried to pull off a bit of pro-liberal mischief--CBS and the fabricated Bush National Guard documents, the New York Times and bombgate, CBS's "60 Minutes" attempting to coordinate the breaking of bombgate on the Sunday before the election--the yeomen of the blogosphere and AM radio and the Internet took them down.”

“Some networks resisted declaring that Bush had won Ohio after pleas from Kerry operatives not to project a winner of the state. In the White House pressroom, dispirited correspondents sheepishly avoided members of the Bush team who wandered through the West Wing expressing growing irritation at the networks’ refusal to admit the inevitable. As each hour passed, the credibility of the Old Media “swirled around the bowl”, perhaps for the last time before finally being flushed by the American viewing public,” euphemizes Jeff Gannon, pajama wearing blogger.

[Insert Liberal Joke Here]

Barbi Weiner, a New York third grade teacher currently on disability, is suing the Republican party for having taken an active role in returning George Bush to the White House, a circumstance that resulted in Ms. Weiner suffering a nervous collapse Nov.8th.

"I looked up and saw the WestSide Waffle! sign with its big red 'W’s,'" she says. "And I realized it was true – he won. Then I started thinking about my life and I realized that I couldn’t go on living in a country where a war-mongering baby-killer holds the highest office in the land. I guess I lost it."

Asked why she hasn’t sued Mr. Kerry for capitulating, Ms. Weiner said, "That’s just like a Republican – blame the victim. How would it be fair for me to sue Mr. Kerry for losing to the vast right-wing conspiracy?"

Ms. Weiner says her life has become very circumscribed since the election. "Before my breakdown I used to enjoy walking around my neighborhood. This is a very diverse area and it used to be such a pleasure to know that everyone you passed on the street thought about life exactly the same way you did… Now I can’t be sure that the person walking next to me isn’t one of that 17 percent who voted for the war-mongering liar… I can’t bear to go out any more. It’s so distressing."

No stranger to lawsuits, several years ago Ms. Weiner won an undisclosed amount, rumored to be in the tens of millions, when she sued Moonraker’s Coffee for having addicted her to caffeine.

Is her name pronounced whiner or wiener?

Does this Mean the U.S. Still Belongs to England?

Reuter’s Dan Whitcomb reports a California teacher has been barred by his school from giving students documents from American history that refer to God -- including the Declaration of Independence.

Steven Williams, a fifth-grade teacher at Stevens Creek School in the San Francisco Bay area suburb of Cupertino, sued for discrimination on Monday, claiming he had been singled out for censorship by principal Patricia Vidmar because he is a Christian.

Williams asserts in the lawsuit that since May he has been required to submit all of his lesson plans and supplemental handouts to Vidmar for approval, and that the principal will not permit him to use any that contain references to God or Christianity.

Among the materials she has rejected, according to Williams, are excerpts from the Declaration of Independence, George Washington's journal, John Adams' diary, Samuel Adams' "The Rights of the Colonists" and William Penn's "The Frame of Government of Pennsylvania."

It’s unbridled, ill conceived, irrational, blind activism such as this that gives the other 3% of liberals a bad name.

Please Pass the Stuffing and the Political Correctness

Maryland public school students are free to thank anyone they want while learning about the 17th century celebration of Thanksgiving... as long as it's not God.

School administrators statewide agree, saying religion never coincides with how they teach Thanksgiving to students.

"We don't focus on religion, because it is not a part of our curriculum," said Sandra Grulich, Cecil County Schools' elementary school curriculum coordinator.

Mentioning that the Pilgrims were Puritan is about as close as most administrators are willing to step to integrate religion into their curriculums.

"We mention they were Puritan but students usually just understand that they had a belief system and not much more than that," said Carol Williamson, Queen Anne's County Schools' associate superintendent.

Fortunately it is still ok to discuss why Suzie’s two "uncles" f*** each other in the a**.

Conservative Tough Guys 1, Liberal Pansies 0

Officials from the sports world and the city government were in Washington DC's Union Station today to confirm what was already widely known -- that the Expos are being re-named the Washington Nationals.

But before the media event got underway, DC Statehood Green Party member Adam Eidinger jumped onto the stage holding a sign protesting Mayor Tony Williams' planned stadium deal.

Not about to let a protester ruin another big baseball day in the nation's capital, Charlie Brotman, the 73-year-old (yes, 73!) former Washington Senators public address announcer, wrestled the intruder out of the way, clearing the stage for the Montreal Expos to be rechristened the Washington Nationals.

Meanwhile in Chile, President Bush stepped into the middle of a confrontation and pulled his lead Secret Service agent away from Chilean security officials who barred his bodyguards from entering an elegant dinner for 21 world leaders Saturday night.

He reached through the dispute and pulled his agent from the scrum and into the building. The president, looking irritated, straightened his shirt cuffs as he went into the dinner.

To the Viktor Go the Spoils

The Ukrainian opposition party loses it’s national election, in spite of favorable exit polls, and claims voter fraud. Opposition leader Viktor Yushchenko (not to be confused with incumbent Viktor Yanuko… Yanu… Ya-not-gonna-work-here-any-more) blamed his loss on lazy Muslims, the slacker Ukrainian youth, and the majority party right-wing Orthodox Christian fundamentalists.

Would You Like to Michael Moore Size that for a Quarter?

HARDEE'S INTRODUCES NEW MONSTER THICKBURGER - The New 2/3 lb. Thickburger Takes Decadence to a New Level

Now Hardee's is introducing the mother of all burgers - the Monster Thickburger. Weighing in at two-thirds of a pound, this 100 percent Angus beef burger is a monument to decadence, yet is still a throwback, as it features lots of meat, cheese and bacon on a bun.

Like all Hardee's burgers, the Monster Thickburger features 100 percent Angus beef patties. In this case, it's got not one, but two 1/3-lb. charbroiled patties, topped with no less than four strips of crispy bacon, three slices of American cheese, and some mayonnaise - all on a buttered, toasted, sesame seed bun.

A quick check of the "nutrition" guide weighs it in at 1245 calories, 38 gms of saturated fat, 197 gms cholesterol, and 55 gms of carbs. On the upside it's 52 gms of protein. Mmm, mmm. It's lardo-licious.

White House Shake Up

Eight (count 'em, eight!) top cabinet members resign after President's re-election to include Secretaries of State, Commerce, Labor, Housing & Urban Development, Transportation, Energy and Veteran's Affairs and, yes Defense! You heard it here first folks. Find the full story here.

Shake Up in CBS Newsroom

CBS producer gets story right... gets fired.

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - CBS News has fired the producer responsible for interrupting the last five minutes of a hit crime drama with a special report on the death of Palestinian President Yasser Arafat, a network source said on Friday.

Word of the dismissal came a day after CBS apologized to viewers for breaking into "CSI: NY," one of its top-rated shows, on Wednesday night."

An overly aggressive CBS News producer jumped the gun with a report that should have been offered to local stations for their late news. We sincerely regret the error," the network said in a statement on Thursday.

Dan Rather commented on the issue by stating, "CBS News has the highest news standards. When people fail to meet those standads, we hold tham accountable."

I’m a Liberal, What Now?

Ok, so you’re a liberal and boy are miffed about the results of the election. You didn’t lose, you were robbed! And you wouldn’t have if those minorities and the slackers that comprise the youth of America had gotten off their hineys and voted. And don’t even get me started on those voter-intimidating Republican goons. Sure, you can say “There’s always next election”, but that’s what you said last time. And look where that got you. Don’t take this sitting down. Take action! Join one of the largest liberal organizations in the world by clicking here.

Today’s Headlines

Bush up 20,000 votes in Iowa: It's still up in the air

20,000 votes seprate Bush and Kerry in Nevada: Neck and neck

Bush leads by nearly 150,000 votes in Ohio: Too close to call

400,000 vote lead for Bush in Florida: A recount could decide

Kerry holds 13,000 vote lead in Wisconsin: It’s a landslide!

History Lesson

NPR’s Tavis Smiley was on with Peter Jennings this morning and suggested that with a Bush election, Republicans would hold up renewal of the Voting Rights Act. Section 2 of the VRA, which prohibits the denial or abridgment of the right to vote on account of race or color, only extends to 2007. Just so we're clear, from Wikipedia.com:

The VRA was enacted in 1965 because of the practices of the Democratic Party in the southern states. Although the right to vote is guaranteed by the Fifteenth Amendment, the Democratic Party argued that Primary elections were an internal party affair, and that the party was a "private club", so that the government had no authority over its criteria for membership and other factors relevant to participating in primary elections.

Next week we will learn which party Abraham Lincoln belonged to.

Indian Giver

A federal judge ruled today that Republican poll workers in Lake Andes, South Dakota were intimidating Native American voters.

The ruling comes after Democratic Sen. Tom Daschle sued his opponent, John Thune, and the GOP in federal court in Sioux Falls on Monday, asking [U.S. District Judge Lawrence] Piersol to stop what Democrats say was intimidation of voters.

Piersol, whom Daschle chose for the federal bench, released his opinion about 1:45 a.m. today after hearing one witness from each side.

Piersol also ordered Thune to stop freezing Hell and running over old ladies with his flying car. When Thune stated that he did not have a flying car, Piersol charged him with contempt.

Kerry is Down with Eminem

From MTV:

Yago: Last time we talked, in March, you said that it's important to listen to hip-hop because it gives you a sense of what's going on in the street. Have you heard the new Eminem song that's been out?

Kerry: You know, I heard Eminem on "Saturday Night Live" last night. I heard the song that he did. I don't know if that's part of his new [album] or not. I liked it. But that's the only thing that I've heard in the last weeks. I'm on the trail. I'm campaigning every day.

Yago: Last question: If you're elected, will you come on MTV as president and speak with young people again?

Kerry Concluded, "Fo' shizzle my nizzle. 'S all good. MTV is straight up on the fly dope homie. Slap me some skin."

Vote Early, Vote Often

USATODAY reports that early voters in Florida lean towards Kerry.

Many Florida voters took advantage of early voting, including Dick Tracy, Mary Poppins and Ritchie Cunningham. Cunningham is a 20 year-old first-time voter and staunch Democrat. “With the polls opening on the 18th in Broward County, I still had plenty of time vote in Palm Beach, Miami-Dade, and Martin,” says Cunningham. “The following week I also hit Brevard, St Lucie and Okeechobee.”

Attorney Frank Staph, one of the thousands of lawyers hired by the Kerry campaign commented, “Isn’t it great to see the youth of America this excited about voting.”

And the enthusiasm is not just limited to the young. Mrs. Greta Richards, an 80 year-old Bush supporter, also took advantage of the early poll openings. Unfortunately Mrs. Richards was jumped by a group of individuals organizing a Teamsters rally nearby. “I don’t know what happened,” says Richards. “I was walking to the voter booth when someone sucker punched me and ran off with my walker.”

Luckily 3 dozen lawyers came to her rescue. “Next thing you know I had 30 lawyers giving me their business cards,” she recounted. “And that Mr. Staph is such a nice man. Since I wasn’t able to make it to the voting booth, he offered to place my vote for me. Such a thoughtful gesture.”

Throwing Caution into the PC Wind

Don't be a 'tard, Vote for Kerry!

The Tennessean writes, The origins of a political flier that mocks President Bush and children with disabilities has created a political firestorm in West Tennessee and is being reviewed by the Lauderdale County prosecutor. The Republicans chastise the Democrats, the Democrats blame Karl Rove, blah, blah, blah...

Another Ringing Kerry Endorsement

Why do terrorists hate Bush so much? The same reason the Russians hated Reagan, the Germans hated Roosevelt, the Romans hated Hannibal, Jimmy Connors hated Bjorn Borg...

Another surprise, this one by al Qaeda, was unreeled last night by ABC News. On videotape, a terrorist raghead, his weapon at the ready, warns that American streets will soon run "red with blood" to punish the Great Satan for electing, and threatening to re-elect, George W. and Dick Cheney. In earlier days such a threat from such a mortal enemy would have assured the re-election of the president. But election-eve terror worked in Spain, and who knows who the Americans are now. We'll get a clue next Tuesday.

October Surprise

News Flash: Inept Military lets stockpile of weapons disappear

No wait, can’t knock the military. Yeah, Bush is the one that sucks.

October Surprise: Inept Bush gives stockpile of weapons to terrorists!

What?! Someone beat us to the story? Who?... NBC… in March… 2003?! I thought our source was impeachable? Who was it?... Mohamed ElBaradei? He’s as impeachable as who?... Bill Burkett?! Ok, how about this angle?

Flash: Iraq is a dangerous place, full of dangerous weapons!

Huh? There are no weapons or terrorists in Iraq? You sure? Can there be, just for this article?... So what idiot is going to fall for this story?.. Oh yeah, right. Never mind…. Ok, I got it!

Right Wing media dupes CBS News and John Kerry into providing false information.

That’s it! Print it!

Vote Democrat

This just in from the Washington Times: 4 out of 5 terrorists choose Kerry. Shukran jazilan!

BAGHDAD -- Leaders and supporters of the anti-U.S. insurgency say their attacks in recent weeks have a clear objective: The greater the violence, the greater the chances that President Bush will be defeated on Tuesday and the Americans will go home. "If the U.S. Army suffered numerous humiliating losses, [Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John] Kerry would emerge as the superman of the American people," said Mohammad Amin Bashar, a leader of the Muslim Scholars Association, a hard-line clerical group that vocally supports the resistance. Resistance leader Abu Jalal boasted that the mounting violence had already hurt Mr. Bush's chances. "American elections and Iraq are linked tightly together," he told a Fallujah-based Iraqi reporter. "We've got to work to change the election, and we've done so. With our strikes, we've dragged Bush into the mud."

Speak For Yourself

From the quit while you are ahead column.

Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said his wife simply made a mistake when she said she didn't know if first lady Laura Bush has ever held "a real job."

"She misspoke, as many of us do in life. And I've misspoken. How many times have I misspoken or the president or somebody else?" Kerry said in an interview for broadcast Monday on NBC's "Today" show.

Kerry said he loves his wife's "outspokenness. I think Americans love her. Because she's authentic. She speaks her mind. And she tells the truth. And Americans want the truth."

Only an idiot wouldn’t love her.

Sweet Sassy Molassy!

From the Football Fans For Truth. Boo-yah!

Cheesed-off readers from Wisconsin e-mailed us last month when Kerry referred to the Green Bay Packers' Lambeau Field as "Lambert Field." You'd think Kerry wouldn't have fumbled that Frenchified name, but Football Fans for Truth also notes Kerry's infamously bungled praise of the Ohio State Buckeyes... during a visit to Michigan.

And it cites a third gridiron gripe about the Massachusetts Democrat, complete with photographic proof: "John Kerry throws a football like a girl." The group zaps the senator for other athletic offenses as well, including:

• "Kerry told a radio interviewer that his favorite Red Sox player was Eddie Yost. Eddie Yost never played for the Sox."
• "Kerry once praised 'Manny Ortez' of the Red Sox. There's no Manny Ortez on the Sox lineup – or indeed, any other MLB roster. Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz play for the Red Sox. Maybe all baseball players' names sound alike to the Democrat nominee."
• "When Kerry threw the first pitch at a Red Sox-Yankees game, he did not throw from the pitcher's mound – yet still bounced the ball before it reached home plate. He then blamed his namby-pamby throw on the catcher, a National Guard soldier and Iraq war veteran: 'I held back,' Kerry told reporters. 'He was very nervous. I tried to lob it gently.' Conclusion: John Kerry throws a baseball worse than a girl."
• His elitist attempt to blame a Secret Service agent for a fall while skiing.
• One we'll add: Kerry's snotty jab at President Bush's bicycle accident, even though the senator himself also fell off his bike.

Football Fans for Truth asserts that "America deserves a President who knows the difference between an airport and a football field."

Finally, A Meaningful Poll

I guess this explains why the left is always cranky and, er… frustrated.

Oct. 18, 2004 — American Sex Lives 2004, a new "Primetime Live" sex poll conducted in conjunction with the ABC News Polling Unit, is among the most comprehensive surveys of its kind in decades and establishes a new, detailed picture of sex attitudes and behavior in America today.

Of those involved in a committed relationship, who is very satisfied with their relationship? Republicans — 87 percent; Democrats — 76 percent

Who is very satisfied with their sex life? Republicans — 56 percent; Democrats — 47 percent

The poll analysis also reveals who has worn something sexy to enhance their sex life: Republicans — 72 percent; Democrats — 62 percent

When asked whether they had ever faked an orgasm, more Democrats (33 percent) than Republicans (26 percent) said they had.

For reference, conservative women: Ann Coulter, Karen Hanretty, Michelle Malkin and the Capitalist Chicks.

And on the other hand, Liberals. Any questions?

You are Hee-ald!

I've made up my mind! I’m voting for Kerry. If he can make Christopher Reeve walk (which I also assume implies that he will raise him from the dead as well), then imagine what he can do for my shin splints.

"We will stop juvenile diabetes, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and other debilitating diseases," [John] Edwards said, referring to federal funding of embryonic stem-cell research. " ... When John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve are going get up out of that wheelchair and walk again."

Vote, dammit! Vote!

Drudge reports that political intellects such as P. Diddy and Cameron Diaz have weighed in. If you don’t vote you will get raped, die, lose the tracking capability on your VCR, have your speed dial numbers programmed to dial old girlfriends, fall in love with a hardened pedophiliac, have nightmares about circus midgets, get Dutch elm disease and lose your car keys!!! For goodness sakes, VOTE!

On Oprah's Wednesday 'voting party' show featuring very important celebrities like P. Diddy (Vote or Die!), Drew Barrymore, Christina Aguilera, suffragette Cameron Diaz took to shock tactics to get the female vote out.

After a discussion on lynching and the vote, Diaz spoke of the dire consequences for women if they sit out this election:

Ms. DIAZ: We have a voice now, and we're not using it, and women have so much to lose. I mean, we could lose the right to our bodies. We could lo--if you think that rape should be legal, then don't vote. But if you think that you have a right to your body, and you have a right to say what happens to you and fight off that danger of losing that, then you should vote, and those are the...

WINFREY: It's your voice.

Ms. DIAZ: It's your voice. It's your voice, that's your right.

What’s next? The Backstreet Boys providing expert testimony on Mountain Top Removal?