Keep "Right"

My old hometown of Colorado Springs, where the right lane tends to be the quickest, is taking a lesson from the Deutsch Autobahn and ticketing drivers who use the left lane for anything but passing.

A six-month-old law says the left lane is to be used only for passing on any of Colorado's multilane highways where the speed limit is 65 mph or faster. Lawmakers passed the bill, hoping to prevent traffic congestion and cut down on road rage.

"When I learned to drive, they told me, 'The left lane is for passing. The right lane is for driving,"' State Patrol Trooper Sara Shipley said recently.

Shipley said some of the drivers she's stopped have admitted they were deliberately driving under the speed limit in the left lane in an effort to prevent others from speeding.

"They don't need to be playing police," Shipley said. "That's not their job." Worse, slow drivers in the left lane can cause tailgating and road rage.

Of course the only place worse to drive than Colorado Springs is Seattle, where as a few as 4 cars can create a traffic jam on I-5 by spreading out over the highway. I'm glad to see that Europe is finally exporting something to the U.S. other than German charm and French hygiene.

The Third Strike is a Charm

Kentucky is considering disposing of the Three Strikes Law... because it puts too many criminals in prison.

Uh, am I missing something here?

Christmas Greetings...

...From Ann Coulter

To The People Of Islam: Just think: If we'd invaded your countries, killed your leaders and converted you to Christianity YOU'D ALL BE OPENING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS RIGHT ABOUT NOW!

Separation of Church and Idiocy

A New Hampshire middle school student was kicked out of a dance by the school's principal... for wearing a Santa Claus costume.

“It was a holiday party,” Principal Fred Muscara said. “It was not a Christmas party. There is a separation of church and state. We have a lot of students that go to Hampton Academy Junior High that have different religions. We have to be sensitive to that.”

And in feable effort to cover their collective hind quarters, Superintendent James Gaylord concocted the explanation that the boy was banned because he violated the dress code for last Friday’s event, which was supposed to be a “dress-up dance.”

“I don’t want this to happen again,” said [the student's mother]. “It is unacceptable. When Bryan returned to the school, the principal said, ‘What are you doing, trying to get me fired?’”

That would be a good start. And don't get me going on that despicable Easter Bunny, who as we know, was crucified and rose from the dead in order to hide eggs every Spring.

“L” is for Loser

New York announces the winner of it’s 31 electoral votes, and it’s… uh, you know, that tall goofy looking guy with the annoying wife.

New York’s 31 electors certify the state's electoral votes for John L. Kerry.

The Associated Press reminds us, “Massachusetts Senator John F. Kerry carried New York as the Democratic nominee for president, but lost the nationwide election to President Bush.”

Gee, thanks for clearing that up. Now I can go back under that rock.

UPDATE: Keeping with the Leave No Democrat Behind theme, Minnesota casts one electoral vote for John Ewards.

Students Challenge School’s Religious Restrictions, School Administrators Remain Imbeciles

When the senior class at a California high school was told it could not paint a Nativity scene on a window, they called their administration’s obtuse left-wing ideology to task… and won.

Senior class president Becky James and her classmates designed a simple Nativity set painting for a small window at the entrance of the school. However, the design was not approved.

Student body President and future Republican Jessica Hofer, apparently tired of being force fed liberal compost every day, provided the school’s principal a copy of a 1989 Supreme Court ruling that allows student initiated free expression of religion at school

"I thought that the ruling of no Nativity set was unfair, especially when one class had 'Happy Kwanzaa' approved and another class a Menorah," Hofer said. "To say you can't have a Christian symbol at Christmas but allow other religious symbols is discrimination."

"Our First Amendment rights give us freedom of religion, not freedom from religion," she continued. "Our nation was founded on Christian values and the Ten Commandments are the basis for our law, I think our schools and society misunderstand the First Amendment. The separation of church and state is not mentioned by our founding fathers but we hear it repeated so many times that people begin to believe it."

Hofer said the ACLU has done a good job of changing America's view with law suits. "They have made things illegal that should not be illegal," she said.

Be still my beating heart. She’s the daughter I never had.

Old vs. New in the DNC

Someone in the US’s “opposition” party finally has a clue.

Two young Democrats vying for support among state party leaders describe the party's old guard as stodgy, out of touch and nostalgic... They also complain that party veterans talk down to candidates and grassroots activists.

These young Democrats say the party must break shopworn habits and tactics peddled every election by the same old clan of consultants who rely on the Vietnam War, feminism and civil rights to define their values.

Like you know, be more like Republicans.

Babs Shares Delusions with Her Fans

For those of you who have never had the pleasure, Barbara Streisand’s website (what, I stumbled across it when I was looking for porn) offers advice and consolation to the discerning liberal. Of course, this begs the question: Exactly who is seeking solace in Babs as their political beacon? Probably the same people who still think Chevy Chase is funny. Below are just a few smatterings of her keen insight.

The Media:
“Frankly, the idea that the media is sympathetic to conservative causes rather than liberal ones is obvious.”

“Dan Rather was castigated by the media for airing the Bush National Guard story before completely verifying one document.” And her supporting argument for their authenticity, “The LA times also reported the story.”

“Where these [Conservative] news outlets feel free to proudly proclaim their "conservative bias" by sharing their unwanted opinions, prestigious TV network anchors like Walter Cronkite, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, Bill Moyers and Jim Lehrer carefully tow-the-line to present the news in a balanced manner.”

“CBS's story included substantive and uncontested evidence that Bush didn't show up for duty when he was supposed to.”

General Hallucinations:
“Everything good that has happened in this country is founded on the ideology of liberalism.”

“Contrary to Republican slogans against "Big Government" or "Tax and Spend Liberals," if you look at the reality, government spending is a key part of what makes this country function and provides the services that Americans both depend on and take for granted.”

Malaise and Confusion:
“I am flabbergasted by the American public's continued support for Bush.”

“I stand here flabbergasted at what is going on in today's world.”

“I am completely flabbergasted and bewildered that when the public is polled regarding which candidate they trust to deal with terrorism, they choose George W. Bush.”

“I am perplexed by the American public's continued support and willingness to give Bush high marks on the question of national security.”

Maniacal Rants:
“A little patience, and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their spells dissolve, and the people, recovering their true sight, restore their government to its true principles.”

Another Reason to Love the 2nd Amendment

A good example of what happens when liberalism meets unadulterated conservatism.

Leonel Arias, 47, told police he was playing a practical joke by donning a Bin Laden mask, toting his pellet rifle and jumping out to scare drivers on a narrow street in his hometown, Carrizal de Alajuela, Costa Rica.

Arias had startled several drivers that way on Monday afternoon. But when he jumped out in front of taxi driver Juan Pablo Sandoval, the motorist reached for a gun and shot him twice in the stomach. He was hospitalized in stable condition.

For the record, the Burque Boy does not condone the shooting of anyone, with the exception of real terrorists, wounded horses and trial lawyers.

The First Amendment is for Sissies

Sticking with this year's theme of "Liberal Nut Jobs", a constitutionally oblivious Democratic city councilman in Lancaster, Penn. ordered a baker in the city's farmers market to remove a photo of the President. His reasoning: It offended Democrats.

Call me softhearted, but I agree with this poor politico's scrape. Isn't it enough that they've lost two Presidential elections, continue to lose seats in the House and Senate, suffer serious emotional trauma, and now Conservatives are just rubbing it in.

I for one am not going to stand for it! That's why I am starting a support group for these poor blokes. It shall be called Election Anxiety Trauma - Movement of Empathizers, or simply EAT-ME for short. Who's with me?!

More Election Zaniness

Although the US can barely run its own elections, soon to be jobless Viktor Yanuk… Yanu… Ya-not-gonna-work-here-anymore seems to think that they somehow managed to find time to meddle in his. Well, you’re probably right dude, but nobody likes a sore loser.

Meanwhile in Ohio: I just caught Neal Conan on NPR stating that a Bill Moss filed a lawsuit today to stop Ohio’s certification of it’s electoral votes for Bush… and award them Kerry in the basis of election regularities, leaving Democrats to hope that they somehow have a better strategy in 2008.

The Voters of Madison County

Finally, the news every liberal has been waiting for – Someone has actually been arrested and charged with election fraud… Oh wait. It’s a Democrat. Blahahahahaha!

Left Wing Media "Outs" the Right

Good news for freethinkers everywhere – Liberal mouthpiece Bill Moyers is retiring, but wants to make sure to warn us about that irritating Conservative press the media keeps telling us about. For the record, Billy boy served under Kennedy and was a “special assistant” to LBJ. So Moyie likening himself to any inkling of independent bipartisanship is much like Michael Moore claiming he doesn’t Super Size.

"I'm going out telling the story that I think is the biggest story of our time: how the right-wing media has become a partisan propaganda arm of the Republican National Committee," says Bill Moyers. [Ed note: Right-wing media... Right. They live up in the North Pole and hide eggs on Easter.]

"We have an ideological press that's interested in the election of Republicans, and a mainstream [read "liberal"] press that's interested in the bottom line [i.e., like electing liberals"]. Therefore, we don't have a vigilant, independent press whose interest is the American people. [Holy smokes he got one thing right. That´s been happening for decades. But it sounds like someone is a little narked that they no longer have a monopoly on such things.]

"I'd be doing this if the Democrats were in power. It's not that I'm a liberal, it really isn't. [Translation: Actually, it is because I am a liberal, but I’m hoping that you’re too young to remember that I used to be the Democrat’s version of Karl Rove.] It's the fact that I'm doing journalism that isn't determined by the establishment." [Old mainstream media strategy: Never admit you are a liberal. New mainstream media strategy: Admit you are a liberal, but deny that it reflects in your perverted social views.]

And to think he said that with a straight face. Move to Canada or get some counseling. It´s liberal chic.

Air Force Academy at Fault for Sex Scandal

A Petagon inspector general says a the Air Force Academy failed to recognize and deal with reports of sexual assaults against female cadets on campus.

"We conclude that the overall root cause of the sexual assault problems at the Academy was the 'failure of successive chains of command over the past 10 years to acknowledge the severity of the problem,'" Inspector General Joseph E. Schmitz wrote in a Dec. 3 memo to Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld, quoting his own report.

In related news, the Empire State Building was blamed for Rosie O and Boy George's musical enema Taboo.

How Low Can You Go?

An annual Gallup poll indicates that newspaper reporters score poorly in “honesty and ethical standards”, as judged by the American public. Apparently, they rank just above lawyers, and right below elected officials and, get this, nursing home operators. Way to go guys, keep up the crappy work. At this rate you’ll be right down there with baseball commissioners and Miss Cleo.

Another Reason MSM Bites

CNN and terrorists duped by Pentagon. Thankfully, CNN was able to clear up the misinformation quickly and let our enemies in on the little secret. Anybody else glad these guys weren’t around on D-Day? Jawohl!

Hand Pulls Groin

Oh, sorry… I thought this was an article on Michael Jackson.

Defining quote:

Hand hopes his sore groin won't keep him from playing the 'Skins next Sunday.

Death by Pop Culture

A dead guy in a trailer, boiling a lava lamp… with no drugs or alcohol involved. Something sure does smell fishy.

Remember kids: guns don't kill people. Stupidity does.

Count (Almost) Every Vote

You see people, this is the problem with hand recounts. Subjectivity.

Some hillbilly writes that the hand recount of votes in the Montana state house district 12 (Polson, in Lake County) has resulted in a tie. The Constitutional party candidate, Rick Jore, received 1,559 votes while the Democratic candidate, Jeanne Windham received exactly the same. The Republican candidate finished a distant third. Jore had won the house district initially by just 2 votes, giving the Republicans a 50-49-1 majority in the state house.

What happens next promises to be very strange. In a tie, (if I understand it correctly from unclear news reports) the governor will get to appoint the representative for that house district. But the governor is still Judy Martz, a republican, until 10AM January 3rd, 2005.

The democratic candidate Jeanne Windham has protested 5 ballots counted for Jore, which appear to be double marked, and has insisted that they be thrown out, giving her a 5 vote victory. Windham has filed suit to prevent Secretary of State Bob Brown (R), the losing gubernatorial candidate, from certifying the election until a court can examine the disputed ballots. The recount committee was composed of two republicans and one democrat.

So how does that catchy little slogan go? Count every vote… unless of course you don’t get a win, and then throw enough out until you do.